Friday Funny

A must read for Grandparents..

(Those who aren't will love it, too.) 

 

 

 

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, 'Do you understand what cooperation is?  What a team is?'  The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

'Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?'  The little boy nodded 'yes'.

'So,' the coach continued, 'I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head.  Do you understand all that?'  The little boy nodded 'yes' again.

He continued, 'And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sports-manship to call your coach 'a dumb ass' is it?'  The little boy shook his head 'NO'.

'GOOD', said the coach.

'Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.'

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Now go have a relaxing weekend!!

Friday Funny

Advantages of living after 50!

 Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh.....it is all true....

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!


01. Kidnappers are not very interested i you.


02.. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 


03. No one expects you t run--anywhere.


04. People call at 9 pm and ask,"did I wake you?"


05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.


06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.


07. Things you buy now won't wear out.


08.  You can eat supper at  4 pm. 


09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.


10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.


11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.


12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room. 


13. You sing along with elevator music.


14.  Your eyes won't get much worse.


15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. 


16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.


17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.


18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size. 


19. You can't remember who sent you this list.


20.And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.


Forward this to every one you can remember right now!

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

 Have a great weekend, young and old alike!!

Friday Funny!!

Hope this touches you the way it touched me!

 

GOODBYE  MOM

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look

so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."

The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much? I only bought 5 items."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said You'd be paying for her things, too." 
  Bet you thought this was going to be a tear jerker.  

Don't trust Little Old Ladies!!!

Friday Funny!!

: Did you know....

Woman has Man in it;

Mrs. has Mr. in it;

Female has Male in it;

She has He in it;

Madam has Adam in it;

Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now...

I never looked at it this way before:

 Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?

MEN tal illness

MEN strual cramps

MEN tal breakdown

MEN opause

GUY necologist

AND .

When we have REAL trouble, it's a

HIS terectomy .. 

It's going to be a beautiful weekend here! Hope it is by you too!  -debi

Friday Funny

        IRISH BIRTH CONTROL     (a little on off subject from last post)

 

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street

in Dublin when
she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin'
to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan
and didn't I marry ye and yer
hoosband two years ago?'

She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'And be there
any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now,
I'm going to Rome next week
and I'll light a candle for ye
and yer hoosband.'

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.'
They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, 'Well now,
Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'
The Father asked, 'And tell me ,
have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father!
Two sets of twins and six singles,
ten in all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful!
How is yer loving hoosband doing?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome

        to blow out yer fookin' candle.'


Have a great weekend! 
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Friday Funny

POWER  OUTAGE
At my recent assault trial, I offered a plea of "Guilty with an explanation . " The judge asked me what my explanation was, so I told my story .

"Your  Honor," I said, "I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept . I was  met with: 'Hi! I'm Belinda!' This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, 'All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this  gown . Everything clear?' I'm thinking, 'Belinda, try decaf . This   ain't rocket science . ' Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors .
 With the right  side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, 'Hmmmm . Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get  everything?' 'Fine', I answered . I was freezing, bruised, and out  of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces  of square glass) when we heard, then felt ,  a zap!

Complete darkness and the power went off! 'Oh, maintenance is working . Bet they hit a snag . ' Belinda said, and headed for the door .   
  'Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?' I shouted . Belinda kept going and said, 'Oh, you fussy puppy . . . the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights . I'll be right back . '
 Before I could shout 'NOOOO!' she disappeared . . And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men Extraordinaire, found me . . . Half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life, and the other part smashed between  g la ss!  

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in  wearing a sheepish grin . Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, 'Oh I am sooo sorry!' The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch . Are we upset?'

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps . . . . "

The judge could hardly contain her la ughter as she said 'Case Dismissed!!' . .


Have a great  weekend and Happy Easter!

Friday Funny

PROOF THAT MEN REMEMBER!                                                   
                                                                            
 A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.    
 She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him    
 sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of Cocoa in front of him. He   
 appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he 
 wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his Hot Cocoa.                
                                                                            
 'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why   
 are you down here at this time of night? The husband looks up from his     
 Cocoa , 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'. She can't believe   
 he has remembered and starts to tear up.                                   
                                                                            
 The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started       
 dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly. Once again, the  
 wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and        
 sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies.The husband pauses. The words were not  
 coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back     
 seat of my car?' 'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into a  
 chair beside him. The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved   
 the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I will   
 send you to prison for 20 years?' 'I remember that, too' she replied       
 softly.                                                                    
                                                                            
 He wiped another tear from his cheek and said 'I would have gotten out     
 today.' 

Have a Great weekend!!