Friday, April 2, 2010

Friday Funny

At my recent assault trial, I offered a plea of "Guilty with an explanation . " The judge asked me what my explanation was, so I told my
story .

"Your  Honor," I said, "I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept . I was  met with: 'Hi! I'm Belinda!' This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, 'All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this  gown . Everything clear?' I'm thinking, 'Belinda, try decaf . This   ain't rocket science . ' Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors .

With the right  side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, 'Hmmmm . Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get  everything?' 'Fine', I answered . I was freezing, bruised, and out  of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces  of square glass) when we heard, then felt ,  a zap!

Complete darkness and the power went off! 'Oh, maintenance is working . Bet they hit a snag . ' Belinda said, and headed for the door .  
 'Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?' I shouted . Belinda kept going and said, 'Oh, you fussy puppy . . . the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights . I'll be right back . '
Before I could shout 'NOOOO!' she disappeared . . And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men Extraordinaire, found me . . . Half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life, and the other part smashed between  g la ss!  

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in  wearing a sheepish grin . Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, 'Oh I am sooo sorry!' The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch . Are we upset?'

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps . . . . "

The judge could hardly contain her la ughter as she said 'Case Dismissed!!' . .

Have a great  weekend and Happy Easter!


Julie Petty said...

I am laughing out loud - that is funny!

lori vliegen said...

ahhh yes.....beware of the perky clipboard carrier for they have total control over the "vise"!!!! happy Easter! :))

Finding Charm said...

That it hilarious! OMG.